It’s raining it’s pouring… You get it now. The holy trinity (as I’ve come to refer to them) are snoring again. This time it’s raining and I am oddly comforted by the sound of the rain rather than annoyed about being awakened by their snoring. I *DO* have a lot to be annoyed about lately, but I am really trying hard to clear my mind. Very Buddhist. Well, trying. If anyone out there knows much about Buddhism or meditation give me a shout- I could use some guidance on how to quiet my mind and find some clarity.
When I said I have a lot to be annoyed with I wasn’t kidding- this has been one of the most confusing and chaos-filled times in my life. Just when I feel things are settled and at peace the snow globe of life shakes.
My sister just recently moved back to California, which is where our families are originally from. After ten years, Portland just didn’t work out for her and her family. And while ten years ago I may have felt the need to uproot and follow her here, I no longer feel that sense of dependency. I am in a different place now than ten years ago. Ten years ago I was in my early twenties and had lost my father a few weeks before also losing my sister to a city 600 miles away. It was a one-two punch; a devastating blow. We packed up and followed five years later and here we are, celebrating our fifth fall in Portland. Our family is thriving here.
I definitely will miss my sister, my brother in law, and my niece and nephew immensely. Yet, I am very much at ease with their decision and the distance between us now hardly feels as menacing as it was when she moved to Portland.
The annoying part is that regardless of how at ease with the situation I may be, I am not quite at peace as I mull over this new strange sensation in my gut. What is this feeling? I am not sure. Is it confusion, uncertainty, guilt, isolation? I’m having a tough time trying to figure out what it is exactly I am feeling. Perhaps it is just trying to find my place with my one tie to Portland now removed? We’ve settled in well, but have no real ties here. My hubby works from home for a job back in California. He now, however, is becoming a volunteer firefighter here with TVF&R, so he’s developing roots, of a sort. The kids are all well situated and loving their schools and friends they’ve made in the last five years, I am sure they feel rooted.
Me? I am still passionately in love with Portland everyday. But at times feel untethered. I have worked with two great organizations here in Portland, before deciding to scale back and freelance so that I could pursue another career path. A completely different one. I blame that on Portland (in a good way). I may not have been compelled to try and shoestring together a surf apparel line in my spare time (brought on undoubtedly by the lack of sun here). Perhaps as I make further strides towards these goals I will begin to see some real concrete bonds evolve.
What I do know for now, amidst all these unsettling feelings and changes, is that I don’t feel finished with Portland or the northwest. It would sadden me to leave. The northwest has been a place of opportunity and healthy change so far, of that I am certain.